I swore I would never get on a plane without my babies but I did it. For 3 days I went to Florida..one to relax and two to look at houses because we are thinking of moving. I have realized that I am either a city girl or a beach girl and we, the hubby and I, do the best near the water. So we would not be living on the beach, Geez, that would would be so money money but we would be about 15 minutes from the beach.

The first day I felt so lost and not to mention the father, who I knew at the airport, saying good bye to his little boy, who was going with Nana to Florida and the boy was crying and he looked like Max..I had to walk away because tears were falling down my face. But I got called home, left a book of “what to do with the kids stuff” and boarded the plane. There was a weird sense of calm despite the fact that I have never been away from my kids except when I gave birth to Samantha and Max was much younger so this was a lot.

I stayed at PGA golf resort and spa so I could look at the Palm Beach Gardens area and loved it. I of course am torn..my family lives here and well it is a lot to move and i HATE change but I know this is what is the best for us as a family. So we are cleaning up the house, touching up the paint in certain areas and listing it in 2 weeks for the spring buyers. This is so scary and exciting and I am sure you will hear about my back and forth feelings about this one..but I want a slower life for us-especially my kids. I want to be outside all year in a slower life.

I had a great trip and a great massage. Even little things like watching a movie without the fear of a baby waking up-a night without a kid waking up..my time..my schedule..it was so nice. I looked at house with an agent and we decided on the community. I looked at schools and have a sense of where Max and samantha would go to school. I came back a little bitchy because I was scared that this was so right but I am better now. I am not the best at this kind of stuff. Some people welcome change, I get excited and then freak out and then get sad and then get angry.

Between the kids, school and my own head that seems to go in circles often, I have not been blogging much and I miss it so much..just having a place to let go.

So I did it..I graduated in the mommyhood of being able to let my kids know that it is ok for mommy to go away and come back..I guess it is really a big message-that I can take care of myself and still be a good mom..also forgot to mention the guilt when I left but by the second day it was gone..I had to remember that by doing this I would be a better mom anyway..refreshed again.

So these days I am just so busy and it is all good. Being in school has been amazing but it means that during my day I am working and if I am not working, then I am with the kids. I do get one day where I can get some acupuncture, go food shopping alone and run errands. I swear just going to the grocery store alone is a treat. I love school. I am attending a distance learning program at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and it is amazing. I am learning so much and will be so excited to be a health counselor. I am aiming to work with families and helping them to get as healthy as they can be. I would love to start with a woman during pregnancy and then help with nutrition with the kids. It is just amazing but I am finding less and less time to blog.

Max is doing great. He has probably about 500 words and he is getting more and more comfortable using his words. He loves school and we are watching Max grow up so fast. It is just amazing. He has a tough timer sometimes in the am and he says he wants to stay home but the minute we get to the school parking lot he starts running. It is so cute and then he does not even say good bye-he just grabs his ELMO bag and goes into class. He looks so grown up and I swear I dont even know where my little boy went to.

As for Miss Samantha, she is already singing. She does the shhhh from the wheels on the bus and she says MA for max. She is hysterical. She is so full of personality. She just tried to stand the other day and then miserable on her face. Poor little girl. She is cutting 4 teeth right now and not so happy but for her not so happy is another babies great day.

Both of them have birthdays in December. Sam tuns 1 on the 7th and Max turns 3 on the 20th. Sam’s b day we are having a small family thing and Max’s b day will be at a place called Bouncetown and they do an awesome party.

What an exciting month for my babies! And what an exciting year fort myself. I am realizing so much about myself and slowing down and just taking stuff as it comes. I feel like these babies have forced me to grow so much and I am so grateful.

In the past few months I have become really close with my husband again. We are hanging out, laughing and enjoying our marriage. he has gone away for 4 days and I just feel lost. I don’t realize how emotionally dependent on my husband I am until he is gone. Last night I just felt depressed and sad. Yes, one of the obvious reasons is I have PMS also but I just felt alone. I am lucky that I have some family helping me and my sitter come for 4 hours today but I still feel blah. Whenever somebody leaves, I do this crazy thing where I pull away and kind of shut down to protect myself. I hate that part of me. I really want that part of me to change.

Since I started nutrition school at the Institute for Integrative Medicine, I am being asked questions about gratitude and what are the missing pieces in my life. I think as a mom I just don’t breathe, I had a tough time slowing down and breathing before but I think it has been especially hard with one child and now two kids.

I often feel like I just have to keep going..almost like a moving target cannot get hit. I know it is nutty. I just want to be able to chill but at the same time, I am the one who does it all around here..the bills, the household stuff, taking Max to school, taking care of the kids, myself, my hubby..well if you are a woman..I am sure you understand.

Sometimes I feel like I am not enjoying my life because I am so busy in the future or sometimes even the past..so I am gonna remind myself daily to take a damn breath!!

I have an amazing life and it would be a shame if I was not in the minute to minute enjoying it.

I try not to talk a lot about allergies and stuff like that because I also know that my kids are healthy in ways that other kids are not. But sometimes it is so hard. Both Max and myself are having allergies to foods that we typically do not and it is so frustrating. It is one thing to not feel well myself but when I see my kids suffering it is so hard. Max has been getting rashes on his testicles, ears, face and back. He has not been himself and looks a little gray. I just don’t know what it is and we have done so many tests, which is awesome but overwhelming. We started with this one doctor in chicago named Dr. Amy Yasko. She is doing genetic testing and it is really amazing her work. We did genetic testing for the whole family, a urine test for Max and a stool test for myself and the kids. The constant candida and GI issues with some adrenal issues with Max seem to just be effecting him one day and then the next day he is fine. Like I said, I try to keep perspective because my kids are so happy and they are so damn cute but something it just not right. I know the speech is part of it. I also know one of the genetic mutations we have in our family is the inability to detox properly and so any toxin, environment of food is just too much for us, but especially Max. You know I never know what it is-was it the introduction of food when he was 6 months, allergens in my breast milk, chronic candida, vaccines..all of it or maybe none of it.

The good thing is that we have all these tests coming back and we are starting Dr, Amy Yasko’s protocol to get the methylation process in the body working efficiently. I knwo it sounds complicated and it is. There is a part of me that know in the end we are all going to be fine but I also know that something is going on in Max’s body that effects him on so many levels and we are working hard to figure it out.

I finally feel like somebody is giving me a plan and that feels so good. I cannot tell you how often I worry-24/7. It is hard to explain to anyone who does not have an allergenic kid what it is like to worry about allergies. But like I said, it is not anything that is killing him and that is where I need to get grateful. I just sometimes get jealous of people who don’t need to worry about food or allergies.

Luckily we found this doctor and our doctor Daphne Goldberg will help us to navigate. I also have another doctor named  Dr. Joe Carcetti advising me on the genetic stuff as well. So all in all we are good. I just have felt tired these last few days and just needed a break. Between school, which takes up about 4 or 5 hours and week and the kids and day light savings, which has the kids now up between 5 am and 6 am, I am tired.

I am fine but I am tired. Ok just need to vent and say SCREW DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME-WE ARE NO LONGER FARMERS-WHO NEEDS THE CHANGE IN TIME!! Thanks feel better now!

So all my other hormones came back as normal, and let me say thank goodness but my estrogen is still elevated. I also found out that I have three cysts, one which is the size of as fist and the other two golf balls. So after reading about the Mirena IUD, which is what I had placed in April, I started to wonder. I had once had a cyst on my ovary when I went on that damn patch many years ago and then I switched back to the pill and it went away. Now I know that I have had hormonal issues since I got off the pill, almost 5 years ago and of course, I had been on it for about 15 years.

So April and May I bled almost every day and then June and July were great and the all of August I bled. Is this too much info? So I have a feeling that the mirena, which is a little steady progesterone was too much for my body and so it started to make extra estrogen. Like I said, I know this is not the whole picture..this is just one piece of the ovarian cysts. So this am, we took it out and I swear I instantly felt better. I should have gone with the hormone free IUD and that will be the plan once we are through with these damn cysts. I just hope no surgery or no pills..I just hope it will deflate on its own and then I can move on to the big picture-probably seeing an endocrine specialist.

So after lost of blood test and saliva tests and an ultrasound and soon an MRI and two more blood tests-at least we are onto to something. Now the funny part of this all, is that I am in the best damn shape that I have been since I met my husband. I am running the Philadelphia Distance Run, which is 13.1 Miles on Sunday and I am so happy I got this IUD out this am and that I am already feeling better.

Not to mention the physical, but damn was I sad one second and then I bitch the next. So there I am done complaining and venting.

Tomorrow I am gonna post about something very cool-like Max’s first week at school or Sam’s first music class this Wednesday.