So my race was great. I ran the perfect race. I went out at the pace I wanted to do and then finished hard. I ran 13.2 miles in 2 hours and 6 mins. My husband ran the whole race with me and we had so much fun. I am definitely tired this week and I did some cross training yesterday since I am giving my knees a rest. It just feels good to have my body back and be in shape.

As for school, it officially starts in October but I have been doing warm up lectures online and reading books and it gives me purpose. I adore being a wife and a Mom but I needed something for me. I needed to have some other purpose. I am scared that I cannot juggle it all but I am sure I will find my way.

The kids are great. I feel like school has been great for Max socially. He is just getting to be so much better at transition. We are also talking a lot about RULES. We talk about sitting in our chair at dinner, sharing toys and being nice and no whining. Those are the rules in this house. I feel that Max is at an age where he knows how to use his words and when he is whining. I try and stay calm and tell him that he should go to his room and have some quiet time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not but we are trying to show him that he has choices in how he acts. We used to say thing s like WHAT is Wrong, Are you OK? and kind of baby him and at that time he needed it…but I feel that he is growing up and needs to learn that he has control over his body. I am not saying I am not loving because you know me-I LOVE my kids and I am so loving and soft with my parenting approach but I am also trying to raise self confident and self reliant kids.

Sam is hysterical. She has so much personality and is so out going. She had her first music class last week at Makin Music and it only took her 15 minutes to crawl to the middle of the circle near the teachers. Then she crawls all around the class to the other kids and moms and says hello. She is also starting to mimic sounds and she actually waved yesterday to the woman! Way to go Sam!! She is such a good baby. She is a tough little girl and loves to wrestle and play rough. She is very independent but also loves to hug and snuggle. She also started to give kisses, (mouth wide open(. God I love these kids. I also love that they are so different. I just feel so lucky.

So she is growing up so fast. She is crawling everywhere and she is damn fast too.

The other day I realized that maybe Sam would prefer eating food by feeding herself. First I bought a food that Max loves, plum and banana and brown rice. So I tried giving her the food-she refused then I gave her the spoon in her hand and she opened her mouth and ate all the food. WOW! Then she ate more and more. Then today she ate more and some yogurt mixed in with the food. WOW. My little girl is growing up.

As for Max, he is still sleeping with one of us. My mom made some comment about how it may be a good idea to get him in his own bed but there is a huge part of me that feels that Max needs the security of sleeping with one of us. At first I felt she was right but then after talking with some friends and my husband, I feel different. One of the things I have always done is listened to my children and well I am listening. Max needs to sleep with one of us or both of us. I am confident he will still grow up to be an independent boy/man.

My one friend came with her two kids (one Max’s age and one Sam’s age) and I watched such inconsistent parenting. I think I never realized it so much because we were always together for short play dates. But her child would act out, they would say NO and then she would do it again and they would threaten and then she would do it again and they would say then NO ICE CREAM and then she would do it again and then they would give her ICE CREAM. OH MY! See I learned a long time ago that if you threaten then you have to follow through. I also don’t want to bring up kids that run the show because not only does that not work in our house but it does not work in the world. There are rules in the world. Of course this is hard to balance because I want them to feel that they can express themselves and be independent but I also want them to know that I am the MOM and my husband is the DAD and we have rules. I want my kids to feel like they have a voice but know when to use their voice.

Then my husbands friends came and they are similar. There are no rules. The kids go to sleep when they do and the little kid, Max’s age, is so bad. He knows that nobody will really punish him. He kicked Sam in the face, pushed Max, spit on my floor and acted like a maniac. He is a sweet boy but he has no rules and he runs the show.

Don’t get me wrong-I do not measure love by rules. There is so much love in both families but there are kids that run the show and there is constant time outs with no change. I guess we always looked at it like from day 1 we would parent the same. We had certain rules that have always stayed like listening to mom and dad or another adult  and  being gentle to people and animals.

Like I said, I never thought I was strict and maybe it is more that I am consistent and let me say that I think that type of parenting is hard because you never can waiver. You always have to be the same every day or it is not fair for your child. I think being a parent is tough no matter what and I feel lucky that my kids have boundaries because I think it will make the transition from our home to the world a little easier.

I don’t think I am a bad mom. I know that all moms go through this and some more than others but it just hurts. I know part of being a mom is that I show my children that I am human and not perfect and that I have bad days too but I worry about hurting his self esteem. But somedays I just don’t have it in me.

Yesterday was one of those days. The day prior I drove Max back to Philly for his speech and so we were in the car for about 5 hours in a 7 hours period. Then I came home and went running with my husband at 3 pm and ran 3 miles. Then I woke up yesterday and took the kids for a 5 mile run. What was I thinking. Did I mention that it was horribly windy out and I must have been crazy? So I had nothing left and Max was not happy at all. I also told him that he should go to him room so he could have privacy and cry since I did not want to hear it.

Like I said, I know I am not a bad mom but it still sucks when I have days like this. And yes my new obsession is running. I am running about 3 miles 5 or 6 days a week and just yesterday ran 5 miles with a double stroller, which is pushing about 80 pounds (the stroller and the weight of the kids). I am interested to see what I can do without the stroller.

I wish I cold put myself in time out sometimes. LOL

I guess in the end LOVE and consistency is what a child needs. It was hard for me to understand that I could be a great mom without doing the same things I did with Max. Regardless, I know I have two of the happiest kids around so I guess I am doing something right!!

So now I am pumping and pumping and pumping and it is getting to me. I only pump 3 times a day because anymore and I would really hate it. I am trying not to be selfish but I hate looking at that pump and lately my milk is lessening by the week. I do supplement with a allergy free formula and thank goodness I am comfortable with that because I could not imagine having to soley rely on the pumping.

So I don’t want to be selfish because this is a once in a lifetime chance to feed my baby breast milk but I am struggling. I know she has received good milk from me and I know the immune system gets created in the first 3 months and I so wanted to make it for a year and now I am just hoping for six months. UGH

I know at the end of the day I need to do what is right for me and my baby. Bottom line is that she is happy and getting fatter by the day..

I also know he is teething real bad and he is just not himself but still being aggressive is no excuse. I also know that Max is getting frustrated that he is not talking and I am hoping this frustration will push his to speak. 

After two days of that behavior and few tantrums today, I lost it. I was running on fumes because of not being able to sleep last night and I was just so tired. I yelled at Max to stop crying today after I had handles 3 tantrums already. One tantrum happened in a parking lot, another happened at his gym class and then another in the parking lot. UGH. Finally we got to the car and I screamed when I was driving and was trying to get out of his car seat. What a scene. I hate it when I lose it but I also by this time, meaning being a mom for 26 months, I know that I am human and not to beat myself up.

Geez being a mom can be tough and I am sure being a kid is tough as well.

Today Max played with this little boy and when he got hit, he hit back. When the boy threw something at him, he threw back and when the boy pushed, he pushed back. I am no unclear because I do believe that Max should know how to defend himself in life and that I should not avoid kids unless he says he wants to leave etc but still-my kid never does this unless he around a kid that is doing it to him.

So I am confused. It is only these two kids-and I adore both of these kids but I also feel like they are kids that need constant supervision or my kid gets clobbered. I don’t think there is any easy answer and it is hard to figure out what is right when Max is not very verbal. I guess I will have to continue to ask myself this question until I figure it out or Max lets me know.

Any thoughts?

I realize that Max is still a baby in so many ways. But he is also such a big boy in others and I am sure he will step up to be an amazing brother. I was talking to a mom yesterday and she reminded me of how sweet Max is and how he will be so proud of being a big brother. BUT I always talk about sleep. I know that I have made the bed I lie in with Max’s sleep and it is what it is but it always makes me nervous. Luckily Scott has offered to sleep with Max and I am going to do my best to get this little girl into a bassinet and then crib. Max always slept with me and I think once he got a taste of being held in his moms arms all night-well he never wanted anything different. And we did try CIO Method once and Max puked on himself numerous times and it did not work for us as a family. So it is what it is.

Luckily I have a sitter that has offered to work whatever hours I need her to work. I will probably have her stay until Max falls asleep for his nap and then she can go. So instead of her coming for 2 1/2 days, she would come for 5 1/2 days. Hopefully she will be ok with that but I am sure she will be.

I am also in LETS GET IT GOING MODE with my house. I feel like emptying every drawer and putting things in their place. Samantha’s room was wallpapered the other day and the chandelier is hung. Now the closet needs to get done and then the furniture will arrive and then the drapes. WOW-it is all coming together.

Any suggestions for how you adjusted to two kids?

We did not wake up till 8 am and it was so delightful. We were both so happy. We were both so rested. Max and I went downstairs and he drank his am bottle and I cleaned up the house. Then he watched TV and snacked on some Millet Rice cereal while I showered. No tears, no fussing, no negotiations..nothing. Just peace an quiet while my son watched Curious George.

Then we talked to two other moms and decided we would take our kids rail gutter bowling. It was so much fun. We headed off to the bowling lane and still Max was happy in his car seat..singing and watching the cars go by and snacking. We bowled for about 50 minutes and the kids had fun. We had fun and there were no tears just smiles. Then we headed to Whole Foods for some basics and still limited fussing which went away once I got Max watermelon.

We went to a friends house to say hello and use the bathroom and chat. Max played for a little. He was tired but Max was still a delight. I made his afternoon bottle, gave him his binky and we headed home. He feel asleep..I transfered him into his stroller and parked him in the laundry room. I ate. Said hello to my husband and took a few deep breaths. I cleaned out my car and cleaned the kitchen and still it was quiet.

I needed this day so bad. We needed this day so bad.

Thanks Toddler/Mommy Higher Power.