So after another blood test, it showed that my hormones are back to normal-some are low but at least the estrogen is not high like it was. I also got the Mirena IUD pulled out and minutes later I felt better. I am just waiting patiently to see if the cysts on my ovaries vanish over the next 3 months. Annoying.

So my race was great. I ran the perfect race. I went out at the pace I wanted to do and then finished hard. I ran 13.2 miles in 2 hours and 6 mins. My husband ran the whole race with me and we had so much fun. I am definitely tired this week and I did some cross training yesterday since I am giving my knees a rest. It just feels good to have my body back and be in shape.

As for school, it officially starts in October but I have been doing warm up lectures online and reading books and it gives me purpose. I adore being a wife and a Mom but I needed something for me. I needed to have some other purpose. I am scared that I cannot juggle it all but I am sure I will find my way.

The kids are great. I feel like school has been great for Max socially. He is just getting to be so much better at transition. We are also talking a lot about RULES. We talk about sitting in our chair at dinner, sharing toys and being nice and no whining. Those are the rules in this house. I feel that Max is at an age where he knows how to use his words and when he is whining. I try and stay calm and tell him that he should go to his room and have some quiet time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not but we are trying to show him that he has choices in how he acts. We used to say thing s like WHAT is Wrong, Are you OK? and kind of baby him and at that time he needed it…but I feel that he is growing up and needs to learn that he has control over his body. I am not saying I am not loving because you know me-I LOVE my kids and I am so loving and soft with my parenting approach but I am also trying to raise self confident and self reliant kids.

Sam is hysterical. She has so much personality and is so out going. She had her first music class last week at Makin Music and it only took her 15 minutes to crawl to the middle of the circle near the teachers. Then she crawls all around the class to the other kids and moms and says hello. She is also starting to mimic sounds and she actually waved yesterday to the woman! Way to go Sam!! She is such a good baby. She is a tough little girl and loves to wrestle and play rough. She is very independent but also loves to hug and snuggle. She also started to give kisses, (mouth wide open(. God I love these kids. I also love that they are so different. I just feel so lucky.

My little girl is officially sleeping in her crib. I am amazed that my little girl made the transition so well. I had kept her sleeping in her swing for the entire summer that we were away because I just did not feel she was ready. She would cry and cry in her crib but when we returned home to her beautiful room with her big white crib, she cried just a little and then fell asleep. I am also amazed because she is teething and still she was able to get to sleep. She woke up twice during the first night but went back to sleep and last night I did give her a bottle because I knew her teeth must have been hurting her-you know that cry that just sounds like something is wrong. I am giving her tylenol right now and Belladonna, a homeopathic remedy for teething.

So she is growing up so fast. She is crawling everywhere and she is damn fast too.

The other day I realized that maybe Sam would prefer eating food by feeding herself. First I bought a food that Max loves, plum and banana and brown rice. So I tried giving her the food-she refused then I gave her the spoon in her hand and she opened her mouth and ate all the food. WOW! Then she ate more and more. Then today she ate more and some yogurt mixed in with the food. WOW. My little girl is growing up.

As for Max, he is still sleeping with one of us. My mom made some comment about how it may be a good idea to get him in his own bed but there is a huge part of me that feels that Max needs the security of sleeping with one of us. At first I felt she was right but then after talking with some friends and my husband, I feel different. One of the things I have always done is listened to my children and well I am listening. Max needs to sleep with one of us or both of us. I am confident he will still grow up to be an independent boy/man.

I never considered myself strict until lately. I had one of my friends from home come and see us for a day with her family and then we just had my husbands best friend come with his family the other day. I think when you are out of your usual environment it is easier to see things. I guess I have always had boundaries for my kids, something that I did not have growing up at all. If I wanted something I just steam rolled my parents and got my way. My mom also never gave us rules, she did what she called “modeling”. This type of parenting just let the kids watch the parents be good role models and then the kids will be good kids. This style makes little sense to me. I think kids need boundaries to feel safe.

My one friend came with her two kids (one Max’s age and one Sam’s age) and I watched such inconsistent parenting. I think I never realized it so much because we were always together for short play dates. But her child would act out, they would say NO and then she would do it again and they would threaten and then she would do it again and they would say then NO ICE CREAM and then she would do it again and then they would give her ICE CREAM. OH MY! See I learned a long time ago that if you threaten then you have to follow through. I also don’t want to bring up kids that run the show because not only does that not work in our house but it does not work in the world. There are rules in the world. Of course this is hard to balance because I want them to feel that they can express themselves and be independent but I also want them to know that I am the MOM and my husband is the DAD and we have rules. I want my kids to feel like they have a voice but know when to use their voice.

Then my husbands friends came and they are similar. There are no rules. The kids go to sleep when they do and the little kid, Max’s age, is so bad. He knows that nobody will really punish him. He kicked Sam in the face, pushed Max, spit on my floor and acted like a maniac. He is a sweet boy but he has no rules and he runs the show.

Don’t get me wrong-I do not measure love by rules. There is so much love in both families but there are kids that run the show and there is constant time outs with no change. I guess we always looked at it like from day 1 we would parent the same. We had certain rules that have always stayed like listening to mom and dad or another adult  and  being gentle to people and animals.

Like I said, I never thought I was strict and maybe it is more that I am consistent and let me say that I think that type of parenting is hard because you never can waiver. You always have to be the same every day or it is not fair for your child. I think being a parent is tough no matter what and I feel lucky that my kids have boundaries because I think it will make the transition from our home to the world a little easier.

These are the words that about once a week leave my mouth. It is always when I am tired or moody or bitchy or stressed or hormonal. It is typically the day that Max is just so tired or moody himself and he cries and cries and cries. Each minute I watch my patience lessen and I can feel my shoulders and neck tighten with each cry and each whine. And then I just can’t do it any longer and I say, “I just don’t want to hear it.” It pains me to hear myself say this but I just can’t help it. I have tried to give myself a time out and walk away but after a minute I need to come back and take care of the crying kid.

I don’t think I am a bad mom. I know that all moms go through this and some more than others but it just hurts. I know part of being a mom is that I show my children that I am human and not perfect and that I have bad days too but I worry about hurting his self esteem. But somedays I just don’t have it in me.

Yesterday was one of those days. The day prior I drove Max back to Philly for his speech and so we were in the car for about 5 hours in a 7 hours period. Then I came home and went running with my husband at 3 pm and ran 3 miles. Then I woke up yesterday and took the kids for a 5 mile run. What was I thinking. Did I mention that it was horribly windy out and I must have been crazy? So I had nothing left and Max was not happy at all. I also told him that he should go to him room so he could have privacy and cry since I did not want to hear it.

Like I said, I know I am not a bad mom but it still sucks when I have days like this. And yes my new obsession is running. I am running about 3 miles 5 or 6 days a week and just yesterday ran 5 miles with a double stroller, which is pushing about 80 pounds (the stroller and the weight of the kids). I am interested to see what I can do without the stroller.

I wish I cold put myself in time out sometimes. LOL

Yesterday I had a great talk with my friend about motherhood for me. With Max it was cut and dry.  I co-slept, I breast fed, I never let him cry. With Sam it has been totally different. Sam sis not want to co-sleep because she was a good sleeper even at birth and enjoyed her bassinet. She had a rough time breast feeding due to a stuffy nose, probably by some food allergies that were not detected in me, and thrush that was making it tough for her to nurse. And with Sam I have done a gentle type of sleep training. I thought I would do everything the same but now I am realizing that not only did I have a different baby but I also changed. The things that I did with Max were great and I parented from my gut and my gut told me that Max needed all of those things. My gut told me that Sam needed different things with me but it was hard for me to adjust to a different style that both worked for Sam and myself. I guess I realized that a breast or sleeping with your child does not define your love for your child. I also realized that helping Sam to self soothe is actually doing her a favor. But I also realize that Max was a different kid and needed me next to him. I guess in the end you need to listen to your child and see what they need individually.

I guess in the end LOVE and consistency is what a child needs. It was hard for me to understand that I could be a great mom without doing the same things I did with Max. Regardless, I know I have two of the happiest kids around so I guess I am doing something right!!