So now I have lost the baby weight and feel great and I have accepted that I will never be a 24 waist and don’t want to because that was a life of denying food. I am comfortable at a 26 and I am comfortable at 110 instead of 105 to 108. Basically, I am comfortable with me.

A friend cried to me last night on the phone because she does not know who she is anymore. She has decided not to have babies and no job and all that stuff I just talked about but I said one thing..which is that having babies is the easy part and raising quality human beings in this world is the real job. I was happy that I could be there and not stuck in the same place. I feel like I have worked so hard to find me again..a better me..a more loving and secure me.

My hubby and I are doing great. We went through some rough times over the past 3 years years being pregnant or nursing because the kids were all I had energy for. My hubby also had to learn how to be a Dad since he did not grow up with one and I had to learn how to accept him for him. Funny because if you ask him we were fine but as a woman, we were not fine. We were not connected and we were struggling a little but now we are back and hanging out and enjoying each other as if we were just married. It is so nice. Another great thing is that his psoriasis is about 90 percent gone. He went to see our homeopath, Todd Hoover MD, and it is practically gone. Usually, he is bleeding and not happy and wanted to be alone a lot but now he is feeling good so it is all working.

I guess this is such a journey and the amazing part about babies for me, is they force me to look at myself in the mirror. So much of what I attached to being a great mom was not what Sam needed from me. She did not want to be breast fed or co-sleep..she needed something entirely different. Max needs me in different ways than Sam. Last night he needed to sleep with me.  My hubby needs me to love myself.

All in all, I need to be full in order to be the best person. So that is who I am today. Full!

Between some hormones that are wacky and the doctors cannot figure it out, this and my serotonin and dopamine levels who are not doing there job, well I have melted down. 

But what I also know is that I have lost this part of me that just can BE since Samantha was born. I LOVE my kids but I feel like every minute I am planning the next minute. I am having a tough time staying in the now. Because right now Samantha and I are up and she is talking and being adorable and we are enjoying each other or I could feel like we are up at this early time and start worrying about the day, Max, me, hubby, Samantha, taxes etc. You get it.

I know this will pass-this feeling of not being able to BE and enjoy. It has really taken a toll on my hubby and I need to start including him on what is happening with me. I tend to hold on tight and try and keep it together but clearly that does not work.

All in all, I am going to try and stay in the now even though life with two can be tough-I am blessed. I am blessed sand I need to start saying this to myself instead of sitting in the crap.

I am always so happy for this blog because I really feel like this is a place where I can let go and just BE!

Then he cleaned out the baby’s room closet and moved everything to the basement storage closet. Then he woke the next morning and cleaned out the entire basement storage, called friends to pick up unwanted furniture, and took the remaining trash to the street for trash day. Wow, I love this man.

The hubby has also been an amazing dad to the little guy. They are spending a lot of time together before and after dinner. After dinner they usually watch a movie, since I explained that after dinner play cannot be rough house kind of stuff and so now it is movie time. I am realizing that Scott does much better with an older kid, even though he was the one who used to watch Max for 2 days a week before we got a sitter. We did not get a sitter until Max was 6 months old so it is not like he cannot do it but I really see him now for being that great older kid dad.

I am just lucky to have such a great man. Maybe I should consider more kids just to get things done around the house. HAHA, yeah right!

Philadelphia is now in the World Series and my husband has tickets to he Phillies as well as the Eagles. So this past week has been rough for me with him being out late at night with friends. He also went out the other night to give him friend a welcome home party. I am usually fine with him going out when it is twice a week with friends or business partners. I enjoy time to myself but I also need a husband and a father here too. I dont need to hang out with him every night because there are many times I just want to be alone to unwind but lately I just feel more needy and I hate that too.

These nights the hubby came home real late and the details are not important but what is- is that I stood up for what I need for my family.

So I think between the world series games and the Eagles I was just feeling alone and pregnant. I think also because I am bigger and not feeling like I can ever get comfortable to snuggle, I tend not to. I think I was just feeling like I need a little extra attention. I let the hubby know how I felt. I love that he had buddies that he hangs with but I also need him to be here with us. Hubby understood. This has happened before and I think for us-well we have bi-weekly reminder conversations and sometimes I have one big one a month. That is what works for us. I am lucky that when we do the hubby listens. We have both worked hard to get to that place instead of feeling defensive or just plain mean.

Thank goodness for letting go because the tears flowed, we hugged and I slept last night so well. FYI- we also sat in bed watching the game together. What a great night.

Then we all hung out and just enjoyed each others company. I made some muffins, Max played and Scott watched a movie. I almost felt like it was fall and football was on because it just felt so relaxing. Sunday football is a real nice and relaxing day in our house.

I am grateful for my hubby. Yesterday we actually had a TALK about him not participating again. I am not sure what happens with him but sometimes he just checks out and needs to be alone. The problem is that does not work when you have a family. We all need alone time but we also need to interact. I felt real clear and precise about what I needed. I think I have said this before but my hubby goes out for work about 4 times a week at night and then probably stays and bullshits for a few hours. I a  convinced that since he works from home, this is his time to interact with people and be social. I explained last night that I never bitch about those nights but in exchange I need him to be present with both Max and I. I need some affection and love. I need to feel like all week he looks forward to the 1 to 2 hours family time we have once a weekend and the hour a day he plays with Max before and after dinner.I/We need to feel his love. I know he loves us but I need to really feel it. I don’t think that is asking too much and neither did he. 

I felt for the first time in our relationship that I was so clear. There was no drama or no games for attention or no cold shoulder-even though I wanted to not talk to him for a week because I was feeling hurt but I did none of that..I just spoke my truth and it felt great. I guess I am lucky that we have a great relationship when I speak up but those times that I don’t-well I am miserable. Thank goodness he listens and we always find a place that feels good for both of us.

What is your relationship like?

PS. Max feel asleep at 7:45 pm which means that I have a night to relax all to myself and watch a good movie and fold some laundry while drinking some tea. AAAHHHHHH the good life.

I am starting to feel like the first trimester fog has lifted. I actually took Max to the pool and we ran around the house playing hide and go seek. We had an awesome day. I think I am also learning about my kids sleep schedules. When he naps one hour only he may go to sleep around 7:30 to 7:45. At one hour and 30 minutes it is 8 pm and finally at 2 hours it is 8:30 pm. Finally after 17 months I am starting to get it. I have also learned that Max can transfer from the car to his bed if he has only been asleep less than 10 minutes..if not just stay in the damn car and read a magazine. 

As for our sleeping arrangements, I have begun to get Max used to his room and that means I am going in to his room and not bringing him into bed with us–OH I MEAN I am falling asleep in his bed as I am helping him to get back to sleep. Actually this is working out quite well since I do not hear Esther’s pug breath/snort/cough. Yes I love my pug dearly but during pregnancy I am such a light sleeper that even her snorts keep me up. Also the hubby is a late night TV watcher and so..I and we, meaning Max and myself are sleeping great and sleeping till 7 am. WOW! Regardless, I am hoping I can keep myself awake to get back to bed but for now-at least he knows that our bed is not the place but know he knows his bed is and momma is there too. Baby steps is what I have to say. And honestly, I love having him next to me. But it will be nice sharing a bed with the hubby in about 5 years. 

Max and i went to the pool today. They have an amazing large in length and 1 foot in height baby pool. Max adored it and I think we will be there almost everyday after nap. I loved it too. They have a playground, snack bar, and a few pools. It is not a country club but they have a swim team and all that good stuff. It is right around the corner and we joined a few months ago. Anyway, Max fell down 3 times and got water in his ears and I leaned him over to the side-just like you do when you are older-and I shook and pushed on his ears to get the water out-but no ear pulling or ear digging. I am so damn amazed. I am so careful with his ears that I only wash his hair once a week. Luckily, he takes after me because his scalp never smells. hey women with curly hair can’t wash their hair more than once a week or it will all die.

Well I guess that is enough for tonight. I know I was supposed to do my tagged post but I had to write about our great Sunday and all the updates.

Let me also say that I love my husband, he is my best friend and a great dad but he pisses me off. Scott works from home but probably spends less quality time with Max than a out of the house dad. I guess I thought Scott would be very hands on-meaning that he would want to bathe, feed, play, read or put Max to bed sometimes but he just is on that dad. I also have to say that for the first 6 months of Max’s life, before we got a babysitter-he was the one who watched Max when I went to work 1 to 2 days a week. I guess it just makes me resentful and sad at the same time. I resent the fact that he is never the one who says, “Hey lets all go and do this this weekend”. When he is with Max, he is awesome with him and he is such a connected and fun dad in so many ways but he is not that dad who wants to be there for everything. I just wish there were more of those wonderful times. GGGRRRRR,

I also know that last time I was pregnant, I felt alone too. However, there is a part of me that feels like maybe I am just being more honest with myself since I am so hormonal. Or maybe nobody’s family life is like the way I think and I should stop being upset and just accept who I am with. I love my husband and actually this is really one of the few things that makes me upset in our relationship. Maybe it is just hard seeing him at home but not really seeing him. Maybe I just want him to ask once about coming to the playground or taking Max to the park or anything. I am not sure but I do know that the thought of a husband at this time kind of makes me nauseous. Damn pregnant bitchy woman!

Well here we are kissing just after we saw each other for the first time.It seems so long ago but actually it is only 2 years ago, well 2 years on March 25th. I knew it was meant to be the moment I saw him. I was so attracted to him and I had not felt that way in a long time. When he talked me to me, I could feel his words touch my skin. I met him because he was trying to buy a commercial building and I was selling the building. He knew nothing about real estate and it made me laugh so hard. His partners tried to negotiate and in the end they lost the building. And then we were free to date and it all happened pretty fast. I called my mom a week later and told them I had met my future husband. He proposed 6 months later on Mother’s Day.

I feel like I married by best friend and for that I am really grateful. I could not imagine loving anybody else. Yes, he pisses me off and YES-he leaves his drawers open and Yes-he does not put his clothes in the hamper but YES-he is a great husband and a great father.

I am lucky to have him and I can say he is lucky to have me too!Have a good weekend!