So it seems a few of my friends have been asking themselves the same question..Who Am I? Most of us have decided we are done having kids and so that leaves the question Who am I? Over the past few months, I had a difficult time adjusting to life with two and going through some growing pains with my husband. I never thought that it would be so tough for us to get used to having two kids and more importantly for us to learn how to co-parent, which is something that did not happen so much because I did everything myself. I prided myself on the fact that I never asked for help, except from my sitter on the days she was here. I feel like I really learned so much about myself in the past 6 months. My fears, my wants, my lack of self confidence. For so many years I attached myself to an amazing body and that went with my first born and then I attached myself to my hard ass don’t care personality and that went with babies as well. So then I was left with me and who was that? No job anymore, no hot body..just me and I am glad I was forced to face the music.

So now I have lost the baby weight and feel great and I have accepted that I will never be a 24 waist and don’t want to because that was a life of denying food. I am comfortable at a 26 and I am comfortable at 110 instead of 105 to 108. Basically, I am comfortable with me.

A friend cried to me last night on the phone because she does not know who she is anymore. She has decided not to have babies and no job and all that stuff I just talked about but I said one thing..which is that having babies is the easy part and raising quality human beings in this world is the real job. I was happy that I could be there and not stuck in the same place. I feel like I have worked so hard to find me again..a better me..a more loving and secure me.

My hubby and I are doing great. We went through some rough times over the past 3 years years being pregnant or nursing because the kids were all I had energy for. My hubby also had to learn how to be a Dad since he did not grow up with one and I had to learn how to accept him for him. Funny because if you ask him we were fine but as a woman, we were not fine. We were not connected and we were struggling a little but now we are back and hanging out and enjoying each other as if we were just married. It is so nice. Another great thing is that his psoriasis is about 90 percent gone. He went to see our homeopath, Todd Hoover MD, and it is practically gone. Usually, he is bleeding and not happy and wanted to be alone a lot but now he is feeling good so it is all working.

I guess this is such a journey and the amazing part about babies for me, is they force me to look at myself in the mirror. So much of what I attached to being a great mom was not what Sam needed from me. She did not want to be breast fed or co-sleep..she needed something entirely different. Max needs me in different ways than Sam. Last night he needed to sleep with me.  My hubby needs me to love myself.

All in all, I need to be full in order to be the best person. So that is who I am today. Full!

Yes, what the fuck! I guess when it rains it pours. Yes 3 out of 20 people have it but come on now. I guess no more can happen now. First the lice, then the speech and food issues and now this on my chest. I got the phone call yesterday that I have this on my chest. last week I went and had them remove a skin tag that did not look good and the woman called me yesterday, who did not have good bed side manner and I had no idea what she was saying but I heard cancer so I ran down to the hubby (who was running at the time on the running machine and said, ” I HAVE CANCER-THE GOOD KIND> WHATEVER THAT MEANS”. Hubby was quite confused and then informed the hysterical me that a lot of people have it but again, come on.

Between some hormones that are wacky and the doctors cannot figure it out, this and my serotonin and dopamine levels who are not doing there job, well I have melted down. 

But what I also know is that I have lost this part of me that just can BE since Samantha was born. I LOVE my kids but I feel like every minute I am planning the next minute. I am having a tough time staying in the now. Because right now Samantha and I are up and she is talking and being adorable and we are enjoying each other or I could feel like we are up at this early time and start worrying about the day, Max, me, hubby, Samantha, taxes etc. You get it.

I know this will pass-this feeling of not being able to BE and enjoy. It has really taken a toll on my hubby and I need to start including him on what is happening with me. I tend to hold on tight and try and keep it together but clearly that does not work.

All in all, I am going to try and stay in the now even though life with two can be tough-I am blessed. I am blessed sand I need to start saying this to myself instead of sitting in the crap.

I am always so happy for this blog because I really feel like this is a place where I can let go and just BE!

My hubby must be nesting. I came home Saturday and found my hubby cleaning out our closet. I have asked a few times when we could do this together but I guess he felt moved to do it on his own. YEAH!

Then he cleaned out the baby’s room closet and moved everything to the basement storage closet. Then he woke the next morning and cleaned out the entire basement storage, called friends to pick up unwanted furniture, and took the remaining trash to the street for trash day. Wow, I love this man.

The hubby has also been an amazing dad to the little guy. They are spending a lot of time together before and after dinner. After dinner they usually watch a movie, since I explained that after dinner play cannot be rough house kind of stuff and so now it is movie time. I am realizing that Scott does much better with an older kid, even though he was the one who used to watch Max for 2 days a week before we got a sitter. We did not get a sitter until Max was 6 months old so it is not like he cannot do it but I really see him now for being that great older kid dad.

I am just lucky to have such a great man. Maybe I should consider more kids just to get things done around the house. HAHA, yeah right!

When I found myself almost in tears the other day, I had to ask myself what was going on with me. I know when I a holding on and when I am easily letting go. I also know when the BITCH arrives inside of me that sometimes it is hormones and sometimes I am holding onto to something that I need to let out. Sunday I must have yelled NO so many times. I hate being that way. I am really good at keeping my shit under control but sometimes I am at the end of my rope. Sunday Max did not nap, which tends to sometimes happen if he is really teething, and so it happened this day.

Philadelphia is now in the World Series and my husband has tickets to he Phillies as well as the Eagles. So this past week has been rough for me with him being out late at night with friends. He also went out the other night to give him friend a welcome home party. I am usually fine with him going out when it is twice a week with friends or business partners. I enjoy time to myself but I also need a husband and a father here too. I dont need to hang out with him every night because there are many times I just want to be alone to unwind but lately I just feel more needy and I hate that too.

These nights the hubby came home real late and the details are not important but what is- is that I stood up for what I need for my family.

So I think between the world series games and the Eagles I was just feeling alone and pregnant. I think also because I am bigger and not feeling like I can ever get comfortable to snuggle, I tend not to. I think I was just feeling like I need a little extra attention. I let the hubby know how I felt. I love that he had buddies that he hangs with but I also need him to be here with us. Hubby understood. This has happened before and I think for us-well we have bi-weekly reminder conversations and sometimes I have one big one a month. That is what works for us. I am lucky that when we do the hubby listens. We have both worked hard to get to that place instead of feeling defensive or just plain mean.

Thank goodness for letting go because the tears flowed, we hugged and I slept last night so well. FYI- we also sat in bed watching the game together. What a great night.

My husband is one of those types that hates his own birthday..not because it is an age thing..actually this has occurred since he was very young. My mother in law was just telling me how he would hide under the table and cry as a child when they sang happy birthday. My hubby likes to run 20 miles on his birthday and just hang out and not make a big deal out if it. Although we do exchange cards and a small gift. Despite my hubby hating his birthday, we had a wonderful day. Scott came home from running and we ate lunch while Max was napping. Then he took and nap and Max and I watched a movie, since it was raining.

Then we all hung out and just enjoyed each others company. I made some muffins, Max played and Scott watched a movie. I almost felt like it was fall and football was on because it just felt so relaxing. Sunday football is a real nice and relaxing day in our house.

I am grateful for my hubby. Yesterday we actually had a TALK about him not participating again. I am not sure what happens with him but sometimes he just checks out and needs to be alone. The problem is that does not work when you have a family. We all need alone time but we also need to interact. I felt real clear and precise about what I needed. I think I have said this before but my hubby goes out for work about 4 times a week at night and then probably stays and bullshits for a few hours. I a  convinced that since he works from home, this is his time to interact with people and be social. I explained last night that I never bitch about those nights but in exchange I need him to be present with both Max and I. I need some affection and love. I need to feel like all week he looks forward to the 1 to 2 hours family time we have once a weekend and the hour a day he plays with Max before and after dinner.I/We need to feel his love. I know he loves us but I need to really feel it. I don’t think that is asking too much and neither did he. 

I felt for the first time in our relationship that I was so clear. There was no drama or no games for attention or no cold shoulder-even though I wanted to not talk to him for a week because I was feeling hurt but I did none of that..I just spoke my truth and it felt great. I guess I am lucky that we have a great relationship when I speak up but those times that I don’t-well I am miserable. Thank goodness he listens and we always find a place that feels good for both of us.

What is your relationship like?

PS. Max feel asleep at 7:45 pm which means that I have a night to relax all to myself and watch a good movie and fold some laundry while drinking some tea. AAAHHHHHH the good life.