Who Am I with Babies?

So it seems a few of my friends have been asking themselves the same question..Who Am I? Most of us have decided we are done having kids and so that leaves the question Who am I? Over the past few months, I had a difficult time adjusting to life with two and going through some growing pains with my husband. I never thought that it would be so tough for us to get used to having two kids and more importantly for us to learn how to co-parent, which is something that did not happen so much because I did everything myself. I prided myself on the fact that I never asked for help, except from my sitter on the days she was here. I feel like I really learned so much about myself in the past 6 months. My fears, my wants, my lack of self confidence. For so many years I attached myself to an amazing body and that went with my first born and then I attached myself to my hard ass don’t care personality and that went with babies as well. So then I was left with me and who was that? No job anymore, no hot body..just me and I am glad I was forced to face the music.

So now I have lost the baby weight and feel great and I have accepted that I will never be a 24 waist and don’t want to because that was a life of denying food. I am comfortable at a 26 and I am comfortable at 110 instead of 105 to 108. Basically, I am comfortable with me.

A friend cried to me last night on the phone because she does not know who she is anymore. She has decided not to have babies and no job and all that stuff I just talked about but I said one thing..which is that having babies is the easy part and raising quality human beings in this world is the real job. I was happy that I could be there and not stuck in the same place. I feel like I have worked so hard to find me again..a better me..a more loving and secure me.

My hubby and I are doing great. We went through some rough times over the past 3 years years being pregnant or nursing because the kids were all I had energy for. My hubby also had to learn how to be a Dad since he did not grow up with one and I had to learn how to accept him for him. Funny because if you ask him we were fine but as a woman, we were not fine. We were not connected and we were struggling a little but now we are back and hanging out and enjoying each other as if we were just married. It is so nice. Another great thing is that his psoriasis is about 90 percent gone. He went to see our homeopath, Todd Hoover MD, and it is practically gone. Usually, he is bleeding and not happy and wanted to be alone a lot but now he is feeling good so it is all working.

I guess this is such a journey and the amazing part about babies for me, is they force me to look at myself in the mirror. So much of what I attached to being a great mom was not what Sam needed from me. She did not want to be breast fed or co-sleep..she needed something entirely different. Max needs me in different ways than Sam. Last night he needed to sleep with me.  My hubby needs me to love myself.

All in all, I need to be full in order to be the best person. So that is who I am today. Full!