Yesterday I had a great talk with my friend about motherhood for me. With Max it was cut and dry.  I co-slept, I breast fed, I never let him cry. With Sam it has been totally different. Sam sis not want to co-sleep because she was a good sleeper even at birth and enjoyed her bassinet. She had a rough time breast feeding due to a stuffy nose, probably by some food allergies that were not detected in me, and thrush that was making it tough for her to nurse. And with Sam I have done a gentle type of sleep training. I thought I would do everything the same but now I am realizing that not only did I have a different baby but I also changed. The things that I did with Max were great and I parented from my gut and my gut told me that Max needed all of those things. My gut told me that Sam needed different things with me but it was hard for me to adjust to a different style that both worked for Sam and myself. I guess I realized that a breast or sleeping with your child does not define your love for your child. I also realized that helping Sam to self soothe is actually doing her a favor. But I also realize that Max was a different kid and needed me next to him. I guess in the end you need to listen to your child and see what they need individually.

I guess in the end LOVE and consistency is what a child needs. It was hard for me to understand that I could be a great mom without doing the same things I did with Max. Regardless, I know I have two of the happiest kids around so I guess I am doing something right!!

Dearest Max,

Sorry for your monthly letter being late but we have been doing some gentle sleep training with your sister and your mom was very tired.

So this month was huge as it is every month. I guess we will start with your speech. You had your 3 month evaluation and you have 30 words, and 10 of them are spontaneous. That is great and we are so proud of you. I think you are proud of yourself as well. You do great with your teachers and they both think you are so smart. You do age 3 puzzles and games and both of them believe that it is just a matter of teaching you how to say the words because we know you are very smart.

You get cuter everyday. You love the little girls. You especially love girls with long hair and you like to go up to them in gym class and growl and do this light pushing on their back or front. It is very funny and cute to watch. Everywhere we go people say you are so handsome and you are. Your daddy and I make cute kids.

You still love life. You are always laughing and now you put your hands over your mouth and swing your head back and forth as you laugh. It is wonderful to watch. 

You are pretty much sleeping through the night, well I mean sleeping through the night next to Esther, your dog, in our bed. You are typically waking in the am between 6 and 7 am. I am very happy with this situation and progress..it beats 5 am.

You are officially a 3T shirt and 2T pants or shorts. 

You are a great big brother to Samantha and she is so lucky to have you. You are very kind when it comes to sharing toys as well.

We took your binky away 3 days ago and you have managed. It is tough for you to fall asleep but I think it will get easier over time. I was so scared to do it but like I said, you have amazed me as usual.

You had your first blood test this month. Daddy had to hold your chest down and I had to hold your legs down. Even your dad was amazed at how strong your are. We need to find out what foods you are allergic to and so we had to do it. You survived and so did I. I shed a few tears in the hall and then I was there to support you.

You love horses, cars, trucks, buses, your grandparents, dinosaurs, puzzles, Curious George, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Train or any train, the zoo, gymnastics at Keller’s, burgers, nitrate free hot dogs, broccoli, asparagus, carrots, rice and egg yolks.

The day I met you was the day life really started for me. I often think of our first moments together and how scared I was and yet so confident in my love for you. We both have grown so much. You have helped me to be a better mom. I am so lucky to have you.

I love you!

Your momma

Sam is now sleeping through the night. It took two nights of crying and then she has slept for the past 3 nights. Last night she did wake up at 4 am but I felt that anything after 4 pm is pretty much sleeping through the night. The other two nights were 7 pm to 6 am. Wow! Amazing. I barely slept those two nights because I stood by her crib rubbing her forehead and patting her swaddled tummy and sending her loving vibes. I did however let her cry 5 mins, then 10 mins and then 15 mins alone in her room. I watched the monitor like a momma bear watches her cave. I actually felt ok. I felt ok because her cries were whining cries and not blood curdling cries. I slept her half of the night in the crib then the other half in the swing. I wanted to be gentle with her and myself. Then the next night I slept her half the night in her crib and the other half in her bassinet that rocks back and forth for ten minutes before automatically shutting off. I figured what the hell..I am doing this in a gentle way. Don’t get me wrong it still sucked and I barely slept and my nerves were shot but she is now sleeping.

Since I felt so pumped about helping my little girl and of course helping myself we decided to take the binky away from Max. Well actually max had his 3 month speech and language evaluation and they said the binky had to go. Thank goodness I had just toughened up from my experience with the blood test and the sleeping stuff with Sam because I only had a mini melt down. Just the week before my friend said she took her little guy to the dentist who said her son’s teeth were shifting due to the binky etc and so she took it away but guess what I said…HELL NO I WOULD RATHER PAY FOR BRACES FOR TEN YEARS THAN TAKE IT AWAY but his speech is another thing and if it helps him then we have to do it. Apparently, the tongue must be at rest in the mouth for speech development and when a kid is sucking on the binky, well the tongue is not at rest. So we took it away yesterday am. Max was only sleeping with it but I was so scared it would screw up sleep, which has never been easy with Max. But he did nap yesterday with ease and slept last night fine and had a rough time this nap today but he finally passed out. Wow! I actually think I am growing up as a mom.  We told him we lost the binky’s and we could not get anymore.

I will keep you posted on both situations. Hopefully all goes well.

 Aren’t they adorable? I am so happy it is warm outside so we can play.

So I can finally handle the tears. I have out off a blood test for Max for 1 1/2 years and finally we did it. We got a blood test today that will show us what foods he is allergic to. The test is amazing and they test so many different foods, not just the basic ones. Most allergy tests just test whether you are allergic but they do not test sensitivities and this one does. Scott held down Max’s chest and arm and I held down the legs and we were able to draw almost 2 viles. I shed a few tears myself in the hall and then I pulled myself together and stood strong for my son. Max was great. He screamed and fought but in the end we got it done.

As for Miss Samantha, we have decided to do a gentle method for helping her to get back to sleep. At this point it is just habit because she was waking the past month due to being uncomfortable but now it is just habit. So last night I did not give her a bottle during the night when she woke up and she was not happy. She did not want to be held or have her binky-she just wanted her bottle but I did not give it to her. She cried on and off for about 1 1/2 hours and finally went to sleep and did not wake again. She used to sleep great and I know she can do it. Max was a different kid and still is. Max, even in the hospital, wanted to sleep with me but not Sam..she wanted her own space.

This morning as I saw her look up at me with her big beautiful blue eyes and loving me so much..I knew that she was ok. I really struggled with doing this because I felt that a parent should be there at any time of the day for their child but I see now that it is good to help your child self soothe. No matter what, Max had such bad ear infections that this was never possible anyway and we did actually have him sleeping in his crib almost through the night when he was 10 months old but then the ears got really bad.

So with all that said, I am so tired. I barely slept. Max had a really bad night and woke me up at 5 am after I had only slept a few hours but in the long run this will be good. I guess we are doing a very gentle method-one that involves Sam knowing that I am there but also knowing that she needs to put herself to sleep. We will see..

I swear these days I have almost no energy to post. I think maybe I just need a bloggy break. I am finally feeling like I am doing good with two kids. I have a routine, even though it changes day to day, but still I have a basic one. I think my hubby and I have grown so much in the past 5 months figuring out who we are in our relationship and who we are as parents. I did not expect to go through that he and I would have needed to do as much work but I think it made us better parents. I needed to learn how to ask for help, which I rarely did when it was just Max.

So life seems to be so busy. Any moment I have to myself, I find myself sitting watching reality TV just to be able to check of the busy day.

Sam has not been sleeping and has not been for a month since I switched her to formula. She wakes 5 to 7 times a night and I am so tired so I barely have any energy for blogging. She has also not been pooping still and so we are working very hard to try and figure out what is wrong. I just switched her to a dairy formula hoping that maybe that helps. Sigh. I know tons of parents whose kids have different allergies. Maybe Sam is fine with dairy but no ok with corn syrup solids which is the main ingredient in most formulas. God knows why but it is. Did you know there are only a few formulas that don’t have corn syrup?? I wish I knew how to make my own. I am still so angry that nobody told me that I would not have been able to pump with ease as I did for the first 3 months. I would have worked harder to get her back on the boob. I still cry about not being able to breast feed Sam. It kills me. I am so sad that we only had that time together for about 2 months. I just pumped because I did not want her to struggle with the breast feeding since she was so stuffy. I must be insane because there is part of me that wants to have another baby just to be able to make right with the breast feeding. UGH. Sounds crazy huh? I think I will mourn that loss for many years to come. I am trying not to look at the past but it is so hard and especially hard now since she is not pooping or sleeping. i feel so guilty. I feel like I let her down.

I would really love to blog again. I miss reading people’s blogs and hearing from my buddies who I have become close to over the last few years. 

So with all of that said, I am excited it is getting warm out. We are spending time after dinner in the yard on the swings and playing. It is wonderful. I am also getting excited because we leave for the beach June 21st for 9 weeks. Holy COW!! It will be awesome. Lots of fun, lots of BBQ, lots of sun and lots of time with my family.

So this is Max and Esther playing in the yard. Max is obsessed with being a dog these days and actually likes to eat his food off the floor or in a bowl on the floor. Sometimes when he is refusing food, I actually play dog with him and tell him I am giving him treats. Oh boy, I think we are nuts but it works.