Max and I went to township day in our area and we had a blast. It was so damn hot but we did not care. We just kept drinking water and baking in the sun. It was one of those times where I felt like I was the best mom in the world and I felt untouchable. I love those moments. here are some pictures from that day in the sun..

This was the train that Max got to sit in and it was pulled by a tractor. It was the first time that he ever did something alone like this. I thought he would get in and look back and cry but he did not, instead he kept driving and driving and did not even look back when the man drove away. It was huge and it made me realize he is growing up.

His friend was scared and so my sweet little boy explained to him that he could sit with him. So they both sat together and Max drove. But still his friends dad had to run next to the train but still it was so cute seeing them together and seeing my guy trying to help his buddy.

This was Max on the school bus that shuttled us to the park from the hugh school, where I parked. Max thought it was so cool being on the bus with all of the windows. We had a great day, just the two of us. I felt so fortunate to be his mom that day. He just loves life and enjoys everything to the fullest. And of course, all the older girls kept telling me that he was so cute. Of course he is..

So I has a last try at pumping. After 4 days I was actually able to get out 10 ounces for Samantha but I was not able to do that because my body had a break for those days. I figured I would keep pumping but nothing came out over the next 16 hours. It all started with a constipated baby and so badly constipated that I needed to go into her butt with a bobby pin and scoop out the soil like poop. It was bad. My sitter held her arms down and I fished the poop out. She has been crying for about 3 days and Sam typically does not cry so I knew this was bad. She could not get a poop out. It was stuck. I imagine she felt the same way I did when her head was coming out of me. I gave her caro syrup, prune juice, homeopathy, chinese herbs, water, an emema and a mineral suppository and it was all helping a little but it was not coming out. It was like a plug. So we scooped it out. 

In an attempt to help the constipation, which may have been partly due to the transition to only formula, I pumped. When I got out 5 ounces in the am and then 5 ounces 5 hours later, I thought things would be fine. I would pump again, at least till solids, and I would find a woman to buy some of her breast milk. One of my dearest blogger friends in NYC helped me so much by email. She also offered to come and stay with me and help me to pump more efficiently and possibly get Sam back on the breast. So I was going to do it. I made an apt with a lactation consultant and dragged both kids to a lactation center and WOW DID I FEEL LIKE A GREAT MOM. I also was talking with our doctor, Daphne Goldberg.who knows what I would do without her in my life.

BUT Then there was no more milk. I had spoked with our family doctor, also there pediatrician, who is a huge breast feeding advocate and co-sleeper, and we were  back to where we started in our last conversation. It would kill me to keep pumping. I have been struggling since I got pregnant with depletion issues. It did not really effect me until I started breast feeding her. I take about 50 vitamins a day just to refill and 100 mg of iron, chinese herbs and homeopathy and many tests later and expensive trips to the nutritionist and herbalist and still I cannot get out of the ditch. I have struggled with candida and I am sure the leaky gut and back to back pregnancies and severe food allergies have made it hard for me to absorb nutrients. 

I think I needed this to happen for me to realize that emotionally I would do anything for my kids, even if it means sacrificing myself. I feel sad that my body failed me in this way but I also look at my kids, so close in age and realize that I would not have it any other way. It was suggested to me that I wait to get pregnant and replenish and deal with some issues to get me in good shape for pregnancy but I thought I would be fine. All in all compared to many people, I am really healthy but compared to my first pregnancy I just was depleted.

So my same friend in NYC also suggested Elecare, another hypoallergenic amino acid based formula for Samantha. I ordered it and it should be here today. I also canceled the lactation apt because yes, maybe I could have gotten Sam back on the boob but then I would not have been listening to my independent little girl because she chose the bottle. She did not reject me but she wanted her independence.

I am not sure what made her constipated. Was it my allergic milk at the end? the transition? who knows but I do know that it taught me a huge lesson and that is-there is a huge part of me that only feels needed in trauma and not just the easy going life..so I have been struggling with not feeling like a good mom and the truth is that my kids need me for everything and it does not have to be some traumatic event that makes me feel like a good mom. Geez, if I can do anything for my kids-it would be not to give them some of the trauma that happened in my childhood. So all in all-I listened t Sam, I found another formula, I learned about myself and I am doing my best to let go of my childhood crap and not inflict it on my kids.

Thanks to all for your support and love.

My dearest little guy,

You are so special. You are so sweet and kind and loving. Just this evening as we were watching TV before bed, you put your hand so gently on my face and then played with my hair. You are just too much. You made tears fall down my face because I feel so lucky to have you as my son. Of course you are a handful too. You are so stubborn just like your momma and you love to test the limits just like your mother and father. 

You adore the outside and we just built a sandbox for you in the backyard. I swear you would sleep outside if we let you. You love to get dirty and play in the mud and you love to rake and shovel the mulch. You always love to draw on the driveway with chalk.

You are starting to use your words and I think it has given you great relief to be able to express yourself. You can say ball, please , dada, go, up, down, and you can make all the animal sounds as well. It is exciting to watch you learning how to talk. Your teachers that come to the house to help you with talking think you are such a great student.

This month I feel like you have become a little flirt. You adore girls with long pretty hair and you love chasing them in your gym class. Of course the girls love you back.

You are the sweetest brother. You now try and carry your sister around and thank goodness you only do this when I am around. You also help me give her a massage each night. We also do story time all together and you make sure she has the covers over her so she does not get cold. You give her hugs and kisses and you make her feel loved.

Max-you have taught me so much about myself and I am so lucky that I am your mom. With you, everyday is a blessing. 

Love, 

Your momma

My dearest Samantha,

I write this letter to you crying because there is a part of me that feels like I failed you as a mother. One day when you have your own kids, I think you will understand this. There are so many times in a person life where we are forced to stand up for ourselves and do what is best for us but when you are a momma. I believe that doing what is right for ourselves is actually doing what is right for our children. Your daddy thinks I believe this so strong that sometimes I even sacrifice myself but that is how much I am committed to being the best mom to you.

When you came into this world, I pulled you from between my legs onto my chest. You started to nurse and you nursed for about 45 minutes, then you nurses some more and some more. But the second day you were alive you nose was real stuffy and had you had problems latching on because you could not breathe. Even the lactation consultant agreed that it was hard for you. You still nursed but you would get frustrated. As you grew and yes you were thriving, it became harder and harder because you were so stuffy. You would cry and get so upset at the boob. I think it became a place where you were not very happy. I took you to a specialist who said they could do surgery to widen your small little nose and I said NO WAY! So instead I squirted nasal oil up your nose, breast milk, a constantly wiped the inside of your nose with vasoline and emu oil. It barely worked. Then you were introduced a bottle at 4 weeks, which made me so nervous because I knew your latch was not the greatest and that was it.. You loved the bottle because it was easy for you and I don’t blame you.

I called a lactation consultant who assessed you and realized that you may have been tongue tied in the back and that your mouth was narrow and your tongue did not reach the top of your mouth to signal your body to suck. I took you to the chiropractor and it helped a little. You would nurse for a little but stop and start crying because you were upset and hungry. I made a choice not to deny you the bottles, as one of the methods to teach you to nurse would have been, because I wanted you to know I was listening to you. I was hearing what you needed. I think very few parents can hear their little ones when they are not speaking, but I can. I could feel you say, momma enough..it is too hard for me. So I started pumping and pumping so I could give you the best food possible. 

You also started seeing a cranial sacral therapist but by then you were too old to go back and start nursing but I realized it was such good work for all of your other stuff-allergies and digestion. So we continued and that was when I realized you were not going back to the boob. It was so hard for me because I wanted that time with you. I wanted that bonding time but it was all in my head and not what you wanted. You are such an independent little girl already. You did not want to co-sleep and you also wanted to be in control of your bottle and that is ok too.I hear you! 

Pumping is just difficult because and from the start I was taking many herbs to make sure I could pump enough for you to have the best. I pumped for 3 1/2 months until my body would no longer make any milk. We nursed exclusively for 5 weeks. Your doctor, Daphne Goldberg and myself and your daddy all made the decision that it was time to stop because my body was not doing it anymore. I worked so hard to give you the best and the decision to stop was what I thought was the best too. We also thought that with all my allergies maybe you would be less effected being on Noecate, a hypoallergenic formula,  that we buy from Europe. Actually you have been better -less gas. But please know that I have done everything I could do and that is what I always will do for you. So when you are older and we have this talk about how long I breast fed you-that it is more complicated that a number of months.

Your father was an amazing support in the last few days and he reminded me that there will never be a time in my life where I would not struggle and fight my hardest to gibe you the best. I love you so much my sweet little girl. You are so independent, smart. funny, cuddly and loving. I would walk through fire for you today and forever. 

I hope I am blessed to live to see the day when you are a mother and where I can support you in these types of hard decisions. I love you always!

Love, Your momma

I am wondering if my body can make any more. With all the herbs that I have been taking to make more milk-they are not working for me anymore. I was able to pump 2 ounces last night and 2 this morning. I cried to my hubby last night about the whole situation and listened to him reminding me of all the ways that I love my kids and all the ways that Samantha will know that her mom would and will do anything for her.

I am going to just keep trying and hope for the best. I can only do my best. There is a part of me that feels like my body has failed me. I prided myself on my breast feeding with Max and the quality of my milk-that good fatty milk but I think my body just has nothing left with having them so close together. I never had many reserves to begin with and with my food allergies being worse than ever-maybe my milk supply just dried up.

I guess my body will make the decision and not my mind and this is truly one of the many times in motherhood that I will need to let go. 

Korin had commented that I should bottle feed skin on skin and that is what I did this morning and it was nice. I felt like she was nursing and it felt so warm and sweet. 

So as I sit here again with tears pouring down my face, I am trying to let go. I know that my love for her is apparent in so many other ways but it is still hard.

Thanks for all your comments and support and love and virtual hugs..