Yes it is true. I am sick and no way to spend the jewish new year. I am not sure how I got sick. Max is not sick and I do not know anybody that is sick. In the back of my mind is this little stupid deer tick that bit me 3 weeks ago. I did not post about it because I was hoping that it would be nothing. The first round of test confirmed no Lymes Disease but then I got sick and now I am worrying again. I go for the second round this friday and will probably get results next week. Being pregnant and getting bit by a deer tick is no joke. So maybe this is why I am sick or maybe it is just the change of seasons screwing with me.
I have not been sleeping lately. No worries or anything like that..I am just not sleeping. I think my body got run down and then I got a cold. It is also a tough time of year for me. I have spoken before of my alcoholic father rabbi, who is not in my life at all by his choice, and so during the jewish new year, I kind of get really emotional and strung out. My Dad is just one of those dada that cannot show up for his life or at least his past life-who knows what he is like with his current wife and adopted son. But I am sure he is still an alcoholic and that part makes not seeing him for all of these years ok with me. Still hurts but ok with me.
I always get sick around this time of year. Like I said, could it be the tick, the change of seasons or just my heart feeling sad? In chinese medicine, problems with the lung means grief and so it is no surprise that I am having some lung problems.
As for being sick, it is so hard to take care of a toddler during these times. I have tried to nap but my body just does not know how. I cannot just shut off. I wish I could just get some rest. Hopefully a trip to the acupuncturist and chinese herbalist will help because running on 5 hours of sleep each night is not working for me or this baby.
To top it all off, my mother just has a tough time showing up in her own way. She may be totally available one day and then gone the next. I guess it makes sense why I am such a “DO IT ON MY OWN PERSON”. Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that the unavailable mother/father drama will end with Max. Neither my husband nor myself will be my mother or father. A mother that could never protect her kids and a father that could never show up. In the light of New Year, that is the gratitude that I have.
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