The last few days I have been thinking a lot about the first 6 months that Max was here on this earth. I was a very different person. I used to be the type of person that clung to routine for security. I kept my life real tight in a pretty little bag. Before I met my hubby, I had got my first Pug and it was the first time that the pretty bag did not feel so pretty. All of the sudden my life had changed and my routine had changed. My day used to be like this before the hubby and the baby:
5:30 am wake up and drink 6 cups of espresso coffee then be at the gym by 6:00 am and workout for about 1 1/2 hours. Then go home and clean and shower and get ready for the day. Then get to work at about 9 am (which was late in commercial real estate (playing with the big boys) but in the beginning I used to get there at 7:45 am and that was a crazy schedule. I would have some watermelon or fruit. Then 2 hours later and no earlier I would have one piece of yeast free wheat free toast and possibly a starbucks coffee black. Then for lunch possibly some veggies and tofu or sushi and then home by 7 pm and eating a salad. It was a pretty basic and boring and routined life. It felt safe. Like I said then the dog and then I met the hubby a few weeks later. After meeting the hubby my gym schedule stayed the same and I may have worked a little less, (new love) but it still fit in a pretty pocketbook.
Then came the baby. We got pregnant on the honeymoon and so we moved right into the bitchy pregnant stage at the start of our marriage but still things all fit. Of course the eating got a little crazy since I was starving and basically I did not really allow myself to eat much. So when Max was born it all changed and it took me a while to change. I remember one morning where I drove to my parents house to workout but Max would not fall asleep and I sat there crying because I just felt so overwhelmed. I felt that way but I also wanted no help. I just wanted to know how to handle it myself. There were many times of frustration, tears, fear and pain that occurred in that first 6 months and maybe even the first year. Keep in mind that Max is the joy of my life. I cannot breathe in his smell enough and it hurts when I am away from him. However, I do not confuse the pure joy of Max with the feelings of being a new mom.
I guess I am excited to experience the second baby with different fears and challenges. But this time. I feel that I am not that same person that I was. I don’t care if it all fits in a nice pocketbook. It can be messy and it is messy but at the end of the day..it is the best life and I am lucky.
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